Fear. His birth was a difficult one. I had to have an emergency c-section because he was breech and couldn't be turned. That piled on top of the fact that I knew I was going to be doing it all alone. It was just... fear.

Nothing good. Boy oh boy, I cannot accurately express how little I would enjoy fame.

I'm thankful that I got to travel and see parts of the world most Americans don't have the luxury to see. I'm thankful that my parents were not cruel people. I'm less thankful for how absent my parents felt. I only ever felt like I was part of a family unit when my dad was deployed.

She's been there through everything.

Travel. And reading. I think those are the two fastest ways to learn more about the world and yourself.

Nothing in particular, really. I just didn't want to spend an afternoon telling a bunch of people to go to their doctor if they're worried about melanoma.

I have forgotten speech on many recent occasions.

"I love you." I think that would be the most succinct and meaningful thing to have as my last words. I want to go out knowing that the people I love feel that love.

I do a lot of old person things. So many. People I love make fun of me for it. All of my favorite TV shows are from before I was born, I rub Tiger Balm on my joints more than twice a week, I go to bed early most nights. The list goes on and on.

I've had one or two embarrassing moments at work, but my real answer is the time my dad called mid-fellatio and a big ol' picture of him popped up right in my line of sight. There you go. No secrets here. Feel my pain.

I hide in the warehouse part and drop flat pack furniture onto people's heads from the top of shelves. Everyone's going to spend all their time trying to be clever with the stuff in the showroom. No.

Why am I ruining my life, though? I spend all of my savings hiring a social media influencer to film me doing some shit I would not normally let the public see.

Sleep, The Golden Girls, pie and cake decorating videos on Instagram.

My entire love life. Everything else has been pretty chill.

Are you prepared for this completely unexpected answer? Having my kid. Suddenly learning that the entirety of human existence does not revolve around my dumb emotions and someone needing me for basic survival has really opened my eyes to just how much time I was wasting on unimportant things.

Option one: I didn't get what I wanted and I spent a lot of time regretting it.
Option Two:

Joshua Jackson's dumb face on dumb Dawson's Creek. Damn you, Pacey Witter. Fun fact, I was also obsessed with Joshua Jackson's dumb face as a kid. Damn you, Charlie Conway.

This means I have to think of the other three first. Sneaky. Okay. Jeremiah's set, Cara's set, superheroes and villains cease turning San Francisco into death and rubble. So I guess my fourth wish is a house.

Reference section. Again, I'm just hiding on top of shelves and throwing down heavy stuff. This is the best strategy. You can't convice me otherwise.

I have been better. I'll be really honest.

Plain chocolate. I'd say I'm boring, but this is the only correct answer outside of Cherry Garcia.

Flavored lattes. Sometimes soy or coconut milk. Usually iced, but beggars can't be choosers.

No, I wanted to be a teacher until I was fifteen and then I wanted to be a neurobiologist who studied the effects of modern warfare on the human brain. But then I met some rad nurses who showed me that there was a better way.

Watching the fear turn to relief on a kid's face. Getting through the day without a tension headache. A full night's sleep. It's small victories over here.

Cara Davies. She gets me even when she doesn't get me.

I would change how I react to things sometimes. I'd be cooler or easier to be around. I'd hide my emotions better.

It depends on why I'm in a bad mood. I like having people to help cheer me up, though. It helps a hundred times over if I know I have someone to turn to. I'm bad at working through anything alone.

Pancakes, the aquarium with the kid, a good lunch, Jeremiah goes to his dad's for the night without a meltdown, someone comes over to keep me company, sex, bath, sleep.

One for which I do not have any responsibilties. No decision making, no financial obligation, no schedules. Just a lot of relaxing and wandering.

One time, I woke up naked floating in the sky.

Going on a vacation to a place I've never visited.

Home. Or Bavaria at Christmastime. I used to love it when I was a kid and I went back when I was in college and it was still the best.

Drinking coffee. I will actually get headaches if I do not. Saying hello and good night to Jeremiah. When I work late, I always take a break at eight to say good night to him.

Recent developments would be a good example of the many weird things about me. But we'll go with my almost encyclopedic knowledge of MASH episodes.

Don't give your address to strangers on the internet, one day you won't feel so lonely, and some day you're going to be exactly where you need to be to feel like you're living the best life imaginable. Joy will find you every time.

I had to look at my Goodreads because I had no idea. Interpreter of Maladies by Jhumpa Lahiri.

Yes. A lot of things. Recently.

The death of my child or myself.

This one.

Today. At work. I work incredibly hard every day.

Busy, tired, dedicated.

Apparently it is controversial to believe that there are not two sides to the vaccination debate. That there is fact and lies and no valid argument between the two. Also, other things that you know about already.

Anything from the early 90s. I was thrilled when "dope" came back. More please.

Success should be measured by how positively you affect humanity. In small ways and in big ways. If you are a good person who does what you can to support other beings, you are successful. If you work hard and set a good example, congrats. You're succesful. If you work a minimum wage job but you make your kids feel loved and respected? Oh damn. Successful as fuck. The most successful person I know is you. Don't look at me like that, Cara Davies. Just accept it.

What do I need to do to insure Jeremiah's happiness as an adult?

The first one that came to mind was grape Lip Smackers. It remnds me of the summer my mom and I spent together visiting family and never once fighting.

The worst would be Donald Trump because he can't shut his mouth for one goddamn second and he doesn't know the meaning of the word no and he probably smells like old KFC oil. The best would be Parker Reilly because he'd be funny and he's a calming presence in a crisis. .

The scene in Hope Floats when Bernice is crying and chasing after her dad and he wants nothing to do with her. That one has gotten me since I was a kid.

A few weeks ago. I saw Bohemian Rhapsody and did not enjoy it as much as I thought I was going to.

I can't say that there's been on single book that can take the title of most influential. I feel like the culmination of my literary experience is more the winner here.

"Juice" by Lizzo

I have an app on my phone that is supposed to recommend movies to you based on your opinions of other movies but I literally just use it for rating movies mindlessly when I'm bored or overwhelmed. Does this count?

Sports are generally physical activities that require some skill that can be honed. So sure. If we wanna get technical, fishing can be a sport. If golf can be a sport, sure. Go nuts. Video game tournaments, no. But that doesn't mean video game tournaments aren't important and valid. They're just not a sport. Exceptions to the rule: DDR. I'll allow those.

To a degree, yes. I like to wander and look up. But I'm also constantly concerned about accidentally stumbling into a cultural faux pas. So if I'm going to a place with cultural aspects vastly different than my American experience, I tend to do more research.

I mean, flushing toilets and clean water from taps would do the trick. Antivirals. VACCINATIONS. I swear I'll stop eventually. Narrator: She never stopped. Not until the day she died.

I had a whole essay about how, historically speaking, fashion has been very useful, but then I realized it was all garbage and I deleted it. Because the truth is, no. Not to society itself. It's not fashion that keeps us happy. It's style. You see where I'm going with this?

As someone who has always been very good at standardized tests, they always made me feel accomplished and validated in school, but as an adult, I think they're pretty much garbage. I understand the importance of testing, but I will never ever ever EVER understand the model of funding schools based on standardized testing scores. And same goes for college acceptance/entrance exams. I don't know how it works now. I haven't had to apply for college in a hundred thousand years. I hope they use different standards now.

I'm a lover not a fighter. Obviously this is not true. A few days ago, apparently. I don't remember it, but whoo.

Hi, Dinty Moore Beef Stew is basically dog food, but I will eat it every time.

I'm going to choose for my family to be proud of me every time, but fuck if that isn't a hard choice? I want everyone to like me and think I'm an angel. Always. This is awful.

Loved by all. Every time.

Know now everything my future self will learn. Because that will give me more time to sleep. But really, what's Five-Year-Old Jules going to do with all of this knowledge other than freak out her peers and maybe wash her apples before she eats them? I'd still make dumb teenager mistakes later because I'm still making them now.

I'm an observation comic, I do not have "go to" jokes. "Twenty years from now, kids are gonna think "Baby it's cold outside" is really weird, and we're gonna have to explain that it has to be understood as a product of its time. You see, it used to get cold outside." That one made me laugh and cry a little

Be kind. Drink water. Sleep sometimes. Remind yourself of what's good when you feel bad.

Please tell me what you actually meant to say here because I'm dying to know, but I'm keeping this in because I want everyone to know how charming you are even when you do a whoopsie.

Magnolia Brewing or Koja Kitchen Food Truck. This question is better for you.

SS Space Fish

My first car. It was used and awful and half the parts were recalled in the first three months I owned it. And then I got in a car accident and it was out of my life forever. Get gap insurance, kids.

How am I doing? On a scale of 1-10.

Me. Talking frankly and quickly. About vaccinations and sports-related traumatic brain injuries. Or just, like... those ASPCA Sarah McLachlan commercials? But pictures and videos of kids who contract preventable illnesses because you're an asshole, Janet. You saw that coming.

Me dropping food on myself every day of my life. Every day. My breasts aren't even that big. How does this happen?

Putting actual thought into this is just so much work and I want to cry thinking of all the good songs I'd miss. So instead here are some songs I remember loving and, should you be asked to consult on a movie about my life, you can have this list to reference. Gloria Estefan- "1,2,3,4", Cyndi Lauper- "She Bop", Hanson- "MmmBop", No Doubt- "Spiderwebs", Fleetwood Mac- "Rhiannon", Queen- "Fat Bottomed Girls", Queen- "Bicycle", Dolly Parton- "9 to 5", Mariah Carey-"Always Be My Baby", Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch- "Good Vibrations", Salt n Pepa- "Push It", Britney Spears-"Lucky", 'N Sync- "Sailing", 'N Sync- "Here We Go", 'N Sync-"Crazy For You", 'N Sync -"Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays", Nirvana- "Heart-Shaped Box", Trapt -"Echo", My Chemical Romance - everything from every album don't come for me I was weird in college.

Seph. Get it? Joe. Joseph. Seph. THE DRIP. I'm so tired.

Just the sound of my sobbing. Or all the lyrics to Eleanor Rigby.

I would sit in my window and watch the neighbor boy play basketball until he politely asked me to stop and I wanted to crawl in a hole and die.

I regret every time I prioritized work over my kid. Or rather, whenever I prioritized trying to calm my own dread by working instead of spending time with my kid.

Be nice to my kid. Kittens. Chocolate croissants.

Iceland, China, Kenya, New Zealand, Hawaii.

A house, a new car, all new equipment for the hospital (stop, I can't help myself), all the toys and climbing towers and stuff for a cat that I would adopt, a new bed.

Nurse Jackie but just all the nurse bits not the addiction bits to better understand my work, Addams Family Values to better understand my humor, and... fuck it. They will tease me but I will persist. This or this.

Adjusted my underwear. Look, thongs were a dark time in my life.

How can you read all of this and come to this same conclusion? I'm guessing you can't. Or you're blinded so much by all my charms that none of it matters to you. In which case, ha. I got you. But just remember what I said about nursing bras, okay?